Sometimes I feel like the word ‘mom’ is the synonym of ‘failure’ or ‘defeat’. But it should only be the synonym of ‘love’ or even ‘unconditional love’. It is easier said than done.
Having 4 children is a little challenge in itself. Having a special need child brings the challenge to an all new level.
You can never be ready enough for how it will affect your life. For better or for worse I can’t always tell. Because today I am feeling like a total failure.
Woke up in a good mood. Woke the kids up one at the time while country music was playing on the Sonos downstairs. Everything was fine. Started making breakfast and asked the kids to get dress. Just seemed like an ordinary morning. But in our household, ordinary is rarely ordinary.
I often feel that as a mom I should be invincible.
But the truth is, these days, I more often feel like a failure, like a screw-up mom.
I know I am a good mom and everything and that I do my best, everyday, to be the mother my children deserve. But even if, I still feel like a failure.
When You Feel Like Your Life Is Derailing
The kids were all prep for school and daycare. I had everything under control. But my Aspergirl thought the atmosphere was too calm, too simple, too I-don’t-know-how. But the sure thing is that she decided to screw everything up.
She started acting out, stealing my personal stuff (jewelry, cell phone etc) to bargain her way through getting what she wanted. She did not put her schoolbag and lunchbox in the car (I didn’t realize that until I was parked in front of the school). She did not put her seatbelt on while driving to school (which is always a source of dispute when we ride with her onboard). She was shooting names at me, and threatening me with anything she knew could get me really angry.
Feeling Better When Your Child Is Acting Out
This one is kind of tricky. I drove back home with a broken heart. I was sobbing, trying to shake the morning events off my head. But I couldn’t. And as many times before, I knew I would spend my day sad about the whole situation, thinking about the events over and over again. Trying to figure out what I could have done differently. Even if I knew I did my best, as a mother it is always hard to admit you could not keep everything under control, or that you were not perfect.
And as simple as that, you feel, once again, as a complete failure…